moods/feelings

Lately I've been in a constant mood of "I just want to go home." Which is fine except the fact that I feel that way even when I'm in my own room which means I am home. Of course this leads to the question of "when and why did home stop feeling like home?" and "how do I make it feel like home again?" Which in turn leads to "what is the definition of a home anyways?" Which eventually leads to thoughts I posted previously, leading to thoughts about the Fall 08 semester which leads to the big question of "What in the world was I doing while my life fell into chaos?" Of course the answer to that would most likely be sleeping. ( *mutters* stupid chemical imbalance. )

Oh I guess I should say that I'm doing other things at the same time I typing this so how I get from one thought to the next might not always make sense.

So my best friend is engaged and plans on getting married Dec 19 2009 to her first and only boyfriend. This never really bothered me because I guess in never really sunk in until I got a myspace message a few days ago announcing that she picked me as her maid of honor, which was a bit of a shocker becuase I don't reeally hang out with her in person that much anymore (too much of a third wheel feel because she is always inviting him along too). Now don't get me wrong I love her and am happy for her that she has found someone she wants to share the rest of her life with and he is a great guy. It just that for as long as I can remember anything dealing with people has basically been a losing battle for me, while for as long as I've known her it has been so easy for her. I start talking to someone to try and make friends and I usually get that 'shut up and leave me alone' look or the 'go away' look. With her it is usually the people walking up to talk to her. Now I was okay with this for the longest time because somehow miraculously I had her for a friend so I didn't really need anyone else. Then she deicded she was ready & wanted to have a boyfiend (not only does she get a boyfriend, but one who breaks up with his now ex-girlfriend the day after he meets her. After that every time I try to plan something for just the two of us to do she wants to invite him along. Basically meaning I get to pay for her to go on a date with him and pay for myself to feel like a third wheel. lately she has been joking about how I need to get a boyfriend so we can double date (my counselor also says that one of our goals is for me to get a bf), like I wouldn't like to have boyfriend, you know someone outside of those I consider family to care for me & tell me they love me & to just be there when I need them.

~Nina

P.S. I beginning to think my counselor is wrong about this whole thing being good for me & making me feel better.