Okay so I'm kinda hurting right now over some news I've recently learned & I'm a lil pissed at myself because it hurt when I think that what I should be feeling is relieved. Now I'll admit that I always suspected that my biological father didn't want me, to which I blamed myself for because I'd always been told I was planned. So I've spent the last 22 years always asking myself what was wrong with me that I went from being a planned child to an unwanted child (on his part) & even trying to actually earn his love. I guess I should explain what this new news to me was. My mom was telling a friend of mine the story of how John (bio-dad) literally left her the day I was born. Now I've heard this story before, but apparently I've never heard all of it. Apparently John had been planning on leaving my mom for a long time, but he is so conceited & vain that he was afraid she would kill herself so he purposely got her pregnant with me so that she had a reason to live after he left. He even had the gall to tell her all of this (well he didn't call himself conceited or vain but still). You'd think I'd be relieved to learn this & know for a fact that there isn't anything wrong with me & that no matter how hard I try there is nothing I can do to "earn his love" so I can just be myself & stop trying so hard. But no instead I'm hurting over the fact that he never wanted me. I mean if all I was was a way to ensure my mom's continuing life after you left then why in the hell did you occasionally come around & visit me. & not only visit me but in each visit find a way to make me feel bad about myself. Was/is it because you just couldn't (& probably still can't) stand the fact that mom & I found someone new & were/are happy with him? Because now that I think about it I've never seen a picture of the two of us since before I turned 4 & mom & dad (step-dad) were married nor do I have any memory of it. Course I can't remember anything before the age of 4 & while I know there are a couple of pics of us together I don't have any of them & nor do I recall seeing any of them. You don't even have any of the on you FB page, though you have plenty pics of you, your current wife & even your friends. Damnit It was all there all along wasn't it? I guess I just didn't want to see the truth. Well I'm off now to either have myself a good cry, though most likely I'll try to block it & forget it until Tuesday when I'll be truly alone for awhile & won't have to explain to anyone why.
~Nina
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Gar
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4 comments:
Men, and people in general can be really mean. Consider yourself lucky. You know the saying you don't know what you have til it's gone. Maybe he learns what that really means. Stop talking to him all together. Even if it isn't until he's laying on his death bed, he will eventually see just how much you mean to him. But by then, he will have lost you. Believe it or not, but you are better with out him. You have a father, who cares about you as if you were his own. That is all that matters. Yes, it would be awesome to have two fathers, but face it. John isn't going to be coming around. So stop waiting around for that day, and live it up. He's not waiting around, why should you.
i hate your comment thing, i think it posted it, but now i'm commenting again so i can have email notification when you reply.
I know, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts like hell to have the truth I've been ignoring my whole life shoved in my face & that I'm pissed at myself for ignoring that truth to begin with & for even being hurt by this. But I am done trying to reach out to him. If he wants to hear from me he'll have to text me first (cause we all know he won't call me). & because of how I was raised I will at least give a polite response if a response is called for at all.
Yeah. I know it can't be easy. But it's not something you in a way didn't see coming, or already know/feel.
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