Never ending cycle

I'll be the first to admit that it is hard for me to make friends and even harder for me to keep them. I'm not even quite sure what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with this, but this is one of those times where I just need to write. It is a constant uphill battle being my friend and I understand why many eventually just give up.

Maybe I can paint a picture into your head to help you understand better what I mean. Imagine standing on a road and you can see a lot of people in front of you (your friends & family, and their friends & family, and so on and so forth) and they keep getting farther and farther away. You try calling out to them, but you no sound is made, so you try to run after them to catch up, they are just walking after all. Only to realize you can't move, you're stuck where you are. No going forward and no going back.

I am that person, that is what my life feels like to me. I can't go backwards and change the past, but unlike everyone else who appears to have hope for the future and are going for their dreams, I don't appear to have any. no dreams = no hope. Of course it is very helpful to have it pointed out to you everyday that you have no dreams to chase and are not going anywhere. I know they don't mean to do it and they don't realize how much it hurts, but that doesn't change the fact that they do do it & it does hurt. Maybe I just too frickin sensitive, maybe I just need to toughen-up, specially since I can't explain to people (or take the looks on the faces of the few I do) that I dropped all my classes during the fall semester and that I'm only taking (actually took since I recently just finished the class) this semester or even why.

It is even harder when I don't understand something myself, like why I had a panic attack on Saturday? or why it lasted nearly 2 hours? Or why on April 14th I suddenly started crying and couldn't seem to stop? or why I constantly find people irrating and wishing that I was alone in my room and then everytime I'm alone I'm wishing someone else was here with me?

And I know that a lot of sucides are by people that feel this way & I'll be honest and say that I have thought about it and I've come to a conclusion. I'm not selfish enough to do that to my friends and family (my loved ones.) Sucide is one thing n o one will ever have to worry about with me.

I think I've run out of words/steam for now, between my IM and this blog.

Later.

~Nina