To Care Or Not To Care That Is The Question

And the answer is that I just no longer care. In fact the truth is I don't think I've cared for a couple of years now about a lot of things & that it I just keep caring less & less over time. & I know some of ya'll might get pissed, mad, hurt, scared, or some other feeling at what I'm about to reveal, but I'm gonna say it anyways....I'm to the point where I don't even really care if I live or die.

Now I know that I'm not completely uncaring yet because, well honestly because I'm not dead, but, once again being honest, the only reason for that is because there are actually a few people who would be sad if I died. So while I might not care about me the fact that I still at least care a little about how some others feel tells me that I do still care, even if it is only a tiny amount.

And that little bit of caring also tells me I should be in counseling, but I have no idea how to go about bringing that convo up with my mom. Every single time I try before I can get around to saying something she finds some reason to lecture me. All she ever really seems to do lately is either lecture me or ask me to do something. & every stinkin lecture ends with "I love you" like that is supposed to make the lecture better or ok. This last one I got is the one I get most often and by far the stupidest one. It usually follows the lines of "You're __ years old and you need to start acting like it" or "You're an adult now and need to act like one" and usually shortly afterward one of my parents then does something to treat me like I'm still a child for example tonight after that lecture my dad asked me for my student ID & pw to check my school work (you'd think I was elementary school or something) & when the other 1/2 of the payment for my classes would be coming out of my checking account. Another example would be how they won't let me drive at all even on days like today when it was snowing all day.

I usually get that lecture after giving mom an answer she doesn't like. Tonight what set her off was my answer to her question of what I did today. Because it is such a crime that on my day off today, since they weren't going to even let me pick my sister up from school, that I didn't do anything & that even though I did actually get dressed, the clothes I changed into aren't that different from what I sleep in sometimes, a pair of sweats & a tee-shirt.